WHY THERE ARE NO DEER IN MISSOURI
(On the deck of a pirate ship)
Captain: Fire the cannon.
(Various pirates mumble)
(Switch to cannon, cannon fires, much smoke)
(Switch to deer, deer explodes)
(Switch to deck of ship)
(Pirates cheer)
Freeze frame
Narrator: and that’s why there are no more deer in Missouri.
Fade out
Narrator: and now for something completely different
(On the deck of The Young Grasshopper)
(Pirates doing pirate stuff on the ship)
(Skip to flag)
Ominous narrator: The Captain and his crew of bloodthirsty ruffians, (show guys smiling) riding the ship, known as The Young Grasshopper, raped and pillaged along the plains of Missouri for many really long years.
(Switch to deer)
Deer: Young Grasshopper? That’s a shitty name for a ship.
Captain (from off screen): What the hell? Fire the cannon!
(Switch to cannon. Cannon fires, deer explodes)
(Switch to old Chinese man)
Old Chinese man: You have done well, young grasshopper.
Captain (fos): What the hell? Fire the cannon!
(Cannon fires)
Old Chinese man: AAAAHHHH!
(Scene from Godzilla)
(On The Young Grasshopper)
(The pirates are all standing around)
Pirate: Fire the cannon!
Captain: What the hell?
Pirate: Fire the cannon.
(Captain glares)
Narrator: In late fall of 1817, the captain sentenced Randall The Pirate to WALK THE PLANK.
(On the deck of The Young Grasshopper)
(Randall standing on plank, other pirates watching. Captain pushes him with sword, and Randall jumps off plank.)
(Switch to field. Randall pops in and runs away mumbling inanely.)
(Switch back to pirate ship)
Captain: What the hell? Fire the cannon!
(Switch to deer death.)
(Pirates singing song)
(Fade out)
(Switch to field)
(Old woman standing with large piece of cheese looking around nervously)
(Pirates attack)
(Switch to elder abuse commercial)
(Switch back to field. One pirate sitting down eating cheese, the rest beating old woman with sticks)
(Keith doing power of cheese commercial)
(Fade out; fade back in… still holding scene 9 sign. Fade out)
Narrator: In the spring of 1818, tensions rose, and there was a great battle between man and beast. The very fate of Missouri itself rested on the outcome of this fierce battle.
(Man crushes deer)
Narrator: And now for something completely different.
(Hampster Dance)
Narrator: And now for some random violence.
Captain: Fire the cannon!
(Deer explodes)
(Switch to man on phone)
Man On Phone: Wassup!!!!
Captain: Shutttt uppppp!!!!! Fire the cannon!
Man On Phone: AAAAAHHHHHHH
(Scene from Godzilla)
Narrator: And now for some gratuitous nudity.
(Deck of Young Grasshopper, pirates standing around)
Old Chinese Man: You have done well young grasshopper.
Captain: Didn’t you die in Scene 3?
Old Chinese Man: One would think so. ‘Tis ancient Chinese secret.
Captain: What the hell? Fire the cannon!
Old Chinese Man: AAAAAHHHHHH
Narrator: We were going to show the nuke, but we are pressed for space.
(Fade out)
(On the deck of the Young Grasshopper. Pirates standing around)
Pirate: Fire the cannon!
Captain: What the hell?
Pirate: Fire the cannon?
Captain: The plank!!!!!!!!!
Narrator: In fall of 1818, the Captain sentenced Patrick The Pirate to WALK THE PLANK.
(On the deck of The Young Grasshopper)
(Patrick standing on plank, other pirates watching. (Show the Grand Canyon) Captain pushes him with sword, and Patrick jumps off plank.)
(Show Pit of doom from Monty Python.)
(Switch back to pirate ship)
Captain: And there was much rejoicing.
Pirates: Yay.
(Patrick’s family)
Patrick’s Family: (crying)
(Switch to Young Grasshopper)
Captain: And there was much rejoicing.
Pirates: Yay.
Pirates disperse.